Conscious Parenting

Potty training

2008-09-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

Potty training is a pretty loaded subject - and pretty much everyone will give a different answer, since every child does it a bit differently.

I think potty training is the first opportunity to allow your child to figure things out on their own, mostly, or it can be the first time power struggles really heat up between parents and their children.

In our current culture children are being asked to start potty training earlier and earlier. Since every child develops differently in regards to when they are aware enough of their body to start potty training, the "when" question to me really is a question of personal body awareness. You'll meet some (extremely few) babies who are using the potty reliably at 1 year old, and you'll meet others who are just getting to the reliable stage at 4 years old.

Body awareness means that they are conscious of when they are going to the bathroom, they know where it comes from and can predict the outcome of the tickle or pressure they feel in their body to producing urine or a bowel movement. Children who are potty training are almost always able to verbalize what they are experiencing, and have simple words to associate with the happenings in the potty or their diaper.

Parental pressure vs. parental support:
It's easy to get overbearing when it comes to potty training as a parent. But if you haven't noticed already, pushing your child to do something generally results in the pushing back by the child in the opposite direction. So how can you gently introduce the idea of the potty without using pressure and only using support? Start by talking.

1. When changing diapers, talk about what is in the diaper, and their body parts. Choose the language you want your child to use, and repeat, repeat, repeat.

2. Observe your child's behavior around diaper changes. Are they responding to what you're saying? If there's no response, moving ahead is probably not going to do anything but create frustration. If they're mimicking, touching, and talking back - then it's time to start the next step.

3. Observe your child's real time life behavior - are they touching their diaper and starting to use body or verbal language to show their awareness of activity? Most often, they will do a little dance, or touch, or look for privacy BEFORE they actually produce anything in their diaper. This is the time to gently ask if they are going to go pee or poo (or whatever your language is). The only purpose of this is to start helping them understand the process of pee or poo - they feel a sensation, and it means that they are going to make something in their diaper. At this stage it is not appropriate to rush them off to try and sit on the potty. That's too much too fast.

4. Introduce the potty. Some families choose a child size potty, others just put a special chair so the child can reach the regular potty. Either is fine, however some children need to re-learn how to use a big potty down the road if it hasn't been being used all along. The easiest way to introduce potty and keep positive for me has been to have the child come in the bathroom with you. Then, as you're using the potty, you narrate what you're feeling, and doing. If you're uncomfortable with this, I would suggest using a book that shows the real process, and reading it daily. Let your child know in the beginning that they can use the potty too, instead of their diaper. Remember to phrase it as a choice.

Depending on the age of the child, you can also say things like:
"When you're a big kid, you'll use the potty all the time, and you won't use a diaper anymore!"
"Mommy used the potty when she was three years old. Do you think you'll use the potty when you're three?"
"The potty is great! It keeps your skin clean and you won't have to do diaper changes anymore."
Keep all statements positive, shame and competition free. Beware of using statements too often - this will come across as pressure, instead of support.

5. When the child shows interest, is responding to their body, and feels comfortable exploring the potty, ask them if they'd like to try. That's all. Just ask - no telling, no pressure, just a simple question. Also, make sure their "no" is heard loud and clear. The response to a "no" might be "Okay, when you're ready, you'll do it!" In a light tone. Then change the subject quickly.

6. Provide fun potty related activities. A special book only for reading on the potty for when they're ready to sit on it is perfect.

7. Avoid rewards. Have trying something new and getting a positive response be the reward. No M&Ms, no special treats. Do you really want food and using the potty to be tied together in your child's neurology? Potty use can be fun, it can be exciting for parents to see the first successes, but it really is just something you want them to just do. It won't be a big deal for long if it's taken in stride instead of it being a big opportunity for drama - even positive drama!

8. Peer pressure. If possible, having your child hang out with other kids their own age or a bit older can do wonders for getting them excited about potty. Using "heroes" has also done amazing things. Elmo has a great potty video, have a hero show up a the door in costume (superman always uses the potty, and he leaves behind a special potty figurine of himself just for Ben). Talk about how the dog goes outside to go potty, or how the cats use the litter box. Talk about how the mail carrier, the people they see on a walk, Grandma and Grandpa - they all use the potty.

9. If you're in a time crunch: Daycare is often a great motivator for parents to get their children potty trained. I sure hope you aren't in a time crunch, as most potty training takes a solid year to really master. If you really are and have no choice, then using heroes, and rewards (not food, please), buying special underwear with their heroes on it (yes, that's why underoos were created) or anything else you can think of might help.

10. Remember that potty training can be fun, if you keep it that way. Accidents are just that - make sure to keep your temper, even as your child has a huge wet accident in the pew at church! While potty training don't expect instant success. Allow your child to wear those fun new undies over her diaper, or let her know that using the diaper is okay, too - when you're out and about. At home, you'll try to use the potty, and accidents are okay.

11. Don't be surprised if pees are consistently done on the potty long before poos ever are. It's very typical to put a child in a diaper for the night, tuck them in, and then have a poo that needs to be changed 5 minutes later. Again - no shame, just keep it light and loving.

12. Setbacks are usually related to stress, illness, or pressure.

Best of luck, parent of a future potty user!

What are we teaching our kids?

2008-02-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

A client recently brought this to my attention:

Madeline is four years old, and her mom, Alice, avoids any situation where she would disagree with Madeline, as Madeline just doesn't like it when they disagree. The most recent situation involved choosing a gift for a friend of Alice's - Alice knew Madeline wouldn't approve of Alice's choice so she just didn't involve Madeline in the decision process at all.

In reading the last paragraph, who is acting like a child, and who is being given the adult/decision making energy?

There's nothing wrong with Alice choosing a gift by herself for a friend of hers. What isn't going to work in the long run is that Alice is not gifting Madeline with the opportunity to learn how do disagree, have different opinions, and different ideas. This isn't just when Alice is buying a gift - it's when they're making plans for activities, choosing which photo to use from the photo proofs for the christmas card, it's picking a library book, or what to listen to in the car. In every situation where Madeline might not like Mom's choice, it just isn't brought up, or Alice sneaks it past Madeline to avoid confrontation.

Alice mentioned thinking that four years old is a hard time developmentally to be disagreed with.

I disagree:

I think that when our kids can't handle having a different opinion from us as caregivers or parents, and we change our behavior to not make them upset, we're setting them up for a lifetime of confusion and angst over opinions and people with different beliefs than ours. Also, I can only imagine that Alice may have the very same problem, and therefore Madeline not only does too, because of the example she's been given, but it's escalated.

Alice is teaching Madeline how to use and live in a Boundaries problem style (see www.joancasey.com for more about healthy boundaries) called "invisible". Invisible is when we don't state our likes and dislikes, even if we know that we do or don't like something. It's saying "okay" to things we don't want to do. It's eating foods we're allergic to so we don't hurt someone else's feelings. Invisible is a problem. And usually when using that problem style, we'll eventually get really fed up and jump over to another problem style called "Rigid". When using rigid, it's "my way or the highway", it's having a very strict set of rules that I think everyone needs to use. It's unapproachable, and also really unpleasant to be around. Alice is training Madeline to be invisible by kowtowing to her dislike of differences.

Four is a brilliant age to learn new things. All ages are, but four is especially cognizant and curious about what other people are doing. Especially what other poeple do that is different than what their family does.

The classic statement I'll hear from a four year old is "But Mommy doesn't do it that way, you're doing it wrong!" To which I say "The thing that makes people special is their differences. How else are you and I or me and your Mommy different?" And then lead them into more concrete ways that we're different: Per hair color, eye color, clothing, the cars we drive, the cell phones we have, our handwriting, different words we use, and then the different ways we do things. And then how it's okay for others to be different, and how it's okay to disagree with people and how they do things. And what to do when those differences do pop up. "This is how we agree to disagree". Something many adults really don't know how to do.

Four is a great age because they know how to share by now (whether they like to do it or not) and teaching that we can disagree and still be friends or family is up the same alley as sharing. It means taking turns getting to talk, or play with a toy a certain way, and that we don't get to tell them what to say or how to play. In the same respect, we don't get to tell people they're wrong just because they don't think like we do, or play like we play.

I often will create experiences for the children i'm around where I do something silly with a toy, like putting a block on my head instead of in a tower on the floor, and then we get to discuss how it's okay if I want to do it that way, and that they can do it differently when it's their turn.

The last thing i'd love to get through on this point is that avoiding conflict with our children is only teaching them how to avoid conflict. It's not teaching conflict resolution at all, which I think we all can agree is an imperative skill in the world. Something most of us wish we were even better at.

Oh, and a special note to the grown ups out there: Remember not to believe everything you think. It's okay to think things and then throw them out the window because you've decided that the THOUGHT is not something you're going to take on as a BELIEF.

Happy parenting,
Schyler

Helping baby sleep through the night

2008-01-17T21:08:00.000-08:00

I talk to every single one of my families about sleep. Sleep is so important, and I have known only one family that wished their baby would sleep less. One of the first things I share is a study I heard about years ago. They took a number of healthy, happy, normal college age folk, who slept regularly. For one month they woke them up only once, to fully awake, and then let them go back to sleep. Those previously healthy, happy, normal kids were all clinically depressed at the end of the month.

Not good news, is it? So why do I tell that story? It's to stress the importance of sleep, and to hopefully help parents to see why teaching their infant to sleep well from the beginning can be a lifelong gift!

A lot of parents think their infants can sleep through the night. Most can't. They biologically are not able to. A few are, and no, we don't know why the few that can, do. Under 8 months, most infants require night time nutrition. They need to eat. After 8 months, unless there is an exacerbating factor medically or with their digestion, they do not need to eat in the night. They should be able to go a good 12 hours sleeping without a meal.

If your baby is under 8 months old and not sleeping through the night, you can help them, but expecting them to be able to do it just isn't reasonable.

The infant's sleep cycle is one of the reasons your baby wakes up. The other is that they may not know how to fall asleep on their own on a regular basis. When our babies are infants, it's the sweetest thing to nurse them to sleep, let them sleep on our chest, or in our arms. We love to rock them, swing them, sing to them. There comes a time, say, at 15 pounds and 3 months or so of age, though, that we start thinking we'd like them to fall asleep on their own. In their beds. And sleep. For a long, long time.

Why is baby's sleep cycle and their ability to fall asleep on their own connected? Every 45 minutes, a baby's sleep cycle goes through one nice big arc on the graph, picture a mountain with a soft peak and two valleys on either side, starting and ending at zero. At the top of the peak, baby is sleeping tight, and can barely be woken. At the valleys, baby is in a very alert state which is built in, for survival. If something is different than how baby fell asleep, then they'll wake up more, maybe all the way up, then if nothing is different, where they'll see nothing is new, and will be more likely to sleep through to another sleep cycle.

For ultimate happiness in babies, naps should last at least 1.5 hours, and sleeps at night should be in 4 hour or more chunks of time.

To get these chunks of sleep, the first thing is to help baby fall asleep on their own. This is most easily done if you start at 4-6 weeks of age. Simply lay baby down sleepy, but not asleep. This means not breastfeeding or letting baby fall asleep on the bottle. I know you might be reeling from me saying "simply", but it is. If baby falls asleep eating, then burping should wake them enough to be slightly awake when they get layed down.

If baby is in bed and starts to wind up instead of down, then calming baby with as little energy as possible (a hand on the chest, some shhh sounds) until baby is calm again will help baby learn they can do it! Only pick baby up if she has actually escalated into a cry. The older the child, use less and less eye contact so you're not "feeding" the energy of wakefulness or agitation.

Baby's sleep cycles, once she is getting herself to sleep by herself, should start to lengthen. Be aware though, that we are constantly training our children. What are you training them? If they wake in the night, are you giving them lots and lots of attention? Or are you giving them a chance to calm down on their own, and then going back to simple calming and having them stay in bed unless necessary? You can teach baby this wonderful skill by supporting them in learning this way!

*Note on the Furber method of letting baby cry in increasingly longer intervals: It doesn't work on infants. Even Dr Furber has said this. It occasionally works on older children who are 1) verbal 2) using not sleeping/crying as a manipulation 3) over 2 years old at least. If those conditions are in place, and you want to try the Furber method, be cautious. Power struggles can often occur with this method, as can the increase in manipulations by child in other areas of their lives. Also, keeping your own calm during the process is difficult, yet imperative.

*Note on food and sleep. Yes, to a point, children need a full tummy to sleep. After that 8 months, we expect baby to have a nice dinner, then maybe a snack, and then sleep. Before, baby needs food, yes. But if under 6 months please don't add cereal to the bottle unless recommended for medical (reflux) purposes by your pediatrician. Adding food to bottles and doing solids close to bed time usually causes causes more problems than it cures.

Sweet dreams...

Help! My baby won't take a bottle!

2007-12-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

I hear from a lot of families when Mom is heading back to work. All of a sudden, "D day" is a week away and all of the attempts they've made to get baby to take a bottle just aren't working, and they're getting panicked. I hear all sorts of plans they've come up with if baby really never takes that bottle, from spoon feeding to daytime visits to Mom at work, to letting baby just be hungry all day until Mom gets home, and then letting her eat all night to make up for it. I'm so grateful when families call in help from me so they don't have to do any of those things!

Megan and her family are a great example for how we can help her take a bottle, still be loving to her, and get the job done!

Megan was almost 12 weeks old, and was a champion breastfeeder. Sweet little round cheeks and all. She's also a very smart baby, and knows what she likes. She likes breastfeeding with Mom. And she knows what she doesn't want to do - she doesn't want to take a bottle, or, if she's willing to have it in her mouth, she's certainly not going to suck from it.

Mom and Dad tried so many things:

Different nipples on the bottles (almost never makes a difference)
Different people feeding Megan
Sitting in different positions
Warm milk in the bottle
Cold milk in the bottle
Sippy cups
Spoon feeding
Getting her really comfortable with having the nipple in her mouth
Teaching her to use a pacifier

Megan would have nothing to do with the bottle, except letting the nipple sit in her mouth while she played with it with her tongue. And Mom was only 7 days away from heading back to work. They called me, and asked if I could help. I set aside a whole day if they needed it, and went in. I left 5 1/2 hours later, after Megan had happily taken a bottle once from me, and once from Dad. So, what did we do that worked?

I typically see babies do one of two things when learning to take a bottle.

The Stand Off: Baby refuses and refuses, crying and fussing, falling to sleep from exhaustion and waking from hunger until finally, no more than 8 hours later, they give in and drink hungrily from the bottle.
I walk in, present the bottle, and the baby takes it.

The second option happens about 10% of the time. I think it has something do with having someone new cruising in with the full expectation that it'll just work that easily, and baby says "okay!"

The first option is more along the lines of what Megan did. Mom and Dad had done a great job of getting Megan to accept the nipple of the bottle in her mouth, and let it be there peacefully, so she had no bad thoughts about the bottle. So smart! The problem was that Megan just didn't see the bottle as a source of food. That's what Mom is for!

Mom, Dad and I had decided that today was the day - we'd do an all day stand off if need be to get Megan taking that bottle, so this was what we did:

When I arrived, Megan was sleeping, and we knew she'd be hungry when she woke up. Mom had fed her that morning for her first feeding, but her second feeding had been slept through, so we knew she'd be really raring to go. When she woke up she was hungry right away, so I held her for a minute and said hi, getting acquainted, then presented the bottle, which was plain room temperature breastmilk Mom had pumped that morning and left out on the counter. We only had 2 ounces of that liquid gold in there, so we wouldn't be wasting much if we needed to toss it.

Megan let me put the bottle in her mouth, looking at me and gurgling. She played with it for a moment, then spit it out and looked at me as if to say "okay, we played the put the nipple in my mouth game, now give me to Mom so I can eat!" I gently had been telling her that like Mom had told her, she needed to learn how to use the bottle so that when Mom went back to work and she was home with Dad that she and he could share meals together. When she spit the bottle out, I put it down and let her sit up, connecting with her by talking and cuddling.

She clearly gave another hungry cue, so I cuddled her back on my lap and presented the bottle again. This time she got mad, and started fussing and whining. I told her I understood, and that she needed to do this so she could eat when Mom was at work, and that I knew it wasn't what she wanted. After presenting the bottle a number of times more, giving her a break until she was calm before each time, we stood up and started bouncing and walking around the room. I discovered she loves a certain window looking over the valley, and we stayed there for a while, enjoying the window and eachother.

We tried the bottle again, me being firm with it, putting it up against the top of her palate, yet removing it when she spit at it or turned her head.

Finally so frustrated and tired, she fell asleep on my lap. She woke about 30 minutes later, hungrier than ever. I presented the bottle again, and she was really furious. I got up, and headed back to her window, waiting until she was calm until presenting the bottle over and over again. About 3 hours had passed at this point, Mom had left to take a break anticipating a full day of stand off, and Dad had been there, doing work and observing.

Then, after many yelling fits from Megan and repeated attempts from me, the moment came. She took the bottle and started sucking. I kept holding her, bouncing gently, and crooned to her what a very negotiable baby she was being. She sucked down that 2 ounces so fast, within 30 seconds, it was almost too fast for Dad to see!

We got her more milk as fast as we could, but she had already dropped off to sleep - just enough milk to let her relax. When she woke, we moved to Dad, so he could feed her this time. Mom was home now, and waiting to see if it would work. Again, Megan wasn't happy about it, but she took the bottle from Dad as well. Success!

Here's the steps to helping your own baby learn to take the bottle:

As young as 3-4 weeks, once baby is breastfeeding reliably, start introducing a bottle at least once every other day, no matter what. Stopping even for a week might put you back to square one, and cause the need for the above mentioned "stand off". This is great for you and baby - it covers your bases in case of emergency, or if Mom gets sick and needs to take a medication that transfers with breastfeeding, or if Mom and Dad would like to go on a date!
If baby isn't taking a bottle, do what Megan's Mom did, slowly and gently introducing the bottle so baby is familiarized with it. Just put a tiny bit of milk in, so you don't waste.
Help baby with motivation by offering a bottle instead of the breast when she's hungry, but not starving. Tell her with your words what you're doing and why you're doing it.
Hold the nipple of the bottle to the roof of her palate, to stimulate her suck response.
Acknowledge and respect her turning her head or spitting out the nipple - her way of saying "no".
Wait, wait, wait. Choose a day when you'll have a full day to put towards this, just in case it takes a long time. Make sure you have someone with you for moral and physical support, so you can tag team.
Don't give in and feed baby - no baby will starve themself, but this is one of the first major stand offs in your relationship, so it can be hard to get through.
Get professional support if you need or want to. It's a matter of making it happen once, and there's no hard and fast rule that says it has to be Mom or Dad that makes it work. There might be a little stand off later with each, but it'll be much much less.
Stick to your guns, reminding yourself that this is for the ultimate happiness of the whole family, even if baby disagrees in the moment.
If baby is around 6 months or older, consider doing this with a sippy cup instead of bottle, it might save you from having to wean her off the bottle in the near future.

Good luck!

Back to work and pumping, but is my supply okay?

2007-10-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Alexander's mom just went back to work - he's 3 months old and staying at home with his wonderful Au Pair, and is happily drinking breast milk his mom has pumped for him. She had a concern though, that Alexander has had a growth spurt, and is drinking more than she's pumping during the day. Also, her pump suddenly seems to have less suction. Here's my reply!

Hi Alexander's Mom!

In regards to your pump not working as well: First, replace the little white plastic flanges in your pump's attachments. There should be replacements with your kit or you can order them from the pump's manufacturer. It seems silly that something so small can make such a difference, but it really can. Also, I'd look at the insert for the pump - there's probably a troubleshooting guide. Play around with the settings for suction and speed that your pump is at. Alexander is now bigger and is also sucking differently, so that can make a difference too.

In regards to your supply, the more stress for you the less milk you make. Stress can here be defined as "doing anything but being with my baby". Make sure you're getting the sleep you can at night, and getting good support. Do you know other moms you can talk to who have done the same thing? Just knowing you're in the same boat with others can help.

When pumping, have photos of him around you, and gaze at them while pumping. You can also call and talk to him on the phone, keep a blanket of his nearby that smells like him, call your husband and talk about him, or think of other things that help you feel connected to him while you're pumping. Also, putting some warmth on your breasts before pumping can help too - heating a towel in the microwave and applying it for 10 minutes before pumping can help simulate his presence on you. Doing breast massage can help also.

Drink more water than you can imagine, and eat more - snacking on high protein foods at work can be a great help. making enough breastmilk can take a lot of calories -now is not the time to cut back to lose weight. Focus on eating healthfully rather than low calorie. If you're hungry, eat!

Since worrying that he doesn't have enough milk during the day won't help you make more milk, consider having a "just in case" substitute in the house. There are great organic formulas nowdays, and you can also look into "goat milk formula" which can be used as a supplement at 6 months, though I know families who used it at their discretion and only in combination with breast milk earlier.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/3/t032400.asp

Know that if he is given a supplement, it takes a few days at least for his body to get used to it - he'll probably have a bit of constipation and gassy belly. Doing it in combination with breast milk will really help.

Don't choose soy unless all other options are exhausted - it's the most highly processed and unlike mother's milk possible.

I know it's hard being away from Alexander during the day. Take care of your emotional self during this transition. Expect to feel sad, grieving the loss of the time you spent with him 24/7. Expect to feel angry at having to work, even if it's a choice you've made. Expect to feel scared that he might not be okay, and you won't be there for him, even though you know he's safe with his childcare person. Expect too to feel happy and glad that you get this time to yourself - that you feel valuable as an intelligent person in the workplace and that you do love the work you do. Anything you feel is okay.

Big hug!
Schyler

My baby only takes 45 minute naps!

2007-07-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

A client of mine recently e-mailed to ask about her 4 month old only taking 45 minute naps. This is so common! Read on...

Hi Schyler!

any tips to help pro-long a nap?? Grace is great about going to sleep on her own in her crib but wakes up (almost on the dot) right at 45 min and sometimes earlier. I've just been trying to have lots of naps b/c she sleeps so short but think it would be better for her to have some chunks. wondering if you have any suggestions? thank you!!

Grace's Mom

Hi Grace's Mom,

Just because she wakes up doesn't mean she's ready to get out of bed! It's time to be a little more stubborn, and have her continue her nap if she still seems tired when she wakes up. Calm her down, and tell her with words that it's still sleep time, and that she needs to finish her nap. That 45 min wake up is the end of one sleep cycle - predictable as a clock. But with practice, she'll realize that she's not off the hook for napping if she isn't rewarded each time with getting out of bed. The best case is if she's getting a good 1.5 hour nap in each time. A 45 min "cat nap" here and there is fine, but for the most part those little naps don't allow her to get enough rest, or her brain to have enough time to assimilate new information! Try getting her down for a nap before she appears tired, and if you're not sure of how she's scheduling naps these days, track it for a while. You'll find that her best naps will be taken if she has only been awake 1-2 hours between sleeps. Good luck,

Schyler

How Conscious Parents Praise their kids

2006-04-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

"Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you."
~ William Arthur Ward

This is a wonderful quote! It inspired me to write this post. Children are so aware of when we adults are being truthful, or when we're stretching the truth.

Here's a story to illustrate exactly what I am referring to.

Six year old Jack was working hard at creating some artwork Saturday evening before bed. Sitting at the kitchen table while Dad is doing dishes, he is showered with praise. "Wow, Jack! Did you use every color in the crayon box? What an amazing idea! You are such a perfect artist. Your picture is the best. Let's frame it." Jack is thrilled, excited, and decides to take his picture in to school the next Monday. As he happily shows his picture at show and tell on Monday, he is surprised, and sad that the kids don't seem to really even look at it. The teacher only says "thank you for sharing your picture Jack". Jack goes home feeling rather down that day, and leaves his picture stuffed in his cubby. His mom and dad just don't know why he's in such a sour mood.

Do you ever tell your kids that their picture is the "most beautiful"? Do you tell them they're the "prettiest", the "best" or the "most amazing" in relation to what they do or who they are? This is a mistake. Your children know, or will soon know that their picture may be the most beautiful to you, but to others, won't even turn a head.

How do our kids feel when they're shown such opposite reactions to their work, or who they are?

We'd like to think that they'd feel that everyone else must be wrong, or color blind. We'd hope our kids would have a strong sense of self, and accomplishment because of all of our encouraging compliments. But that may not be the case, and we may be the cause. Giving unrealistic, outrageous encouragement to our children in the form of flattery will not give them high self esteem. It will not make their sense of self blossom. On the contrary, they will feel confused, and maybe even tricked by us, since we told a lie. Their art, they find out, isn't museum quality to others, just to us.

So what do we do? How do we encourage our children so that they are strong minded, healthy, with full self esteems and great ideas about what they're good at, without misleading them? It's actually easier than you might think, and won't be much of a change from the huge exagerated praise they've been receiving. Here's the re-do of the story above, with conscious parenting:

Six year old Jack was working hard at creating some artwork Saturday evening before bed. Sitting at the kitchen table while Dad is doing dishes, he is quietly observed by Dad. Jack finally finishes, and shows his picture to Dad, feeling proud of his art. Dad says "I like your picture, Jack. I like the colors you chose, and the design. Will you tell me about your picture?" Jack proceeds to explain the dinosaurs, plants and action he's installed in his picture, and makes sure Dad sees the details he's put in, even the bloody injury the dinosaur received from a mean T-Rex! Jack loves his picture, and decides to take it to school for show and tell on Monday. As he happily explains his picture at show and tell on Monday, giving the exciting story of the dinosaur in the picture, he has some of his fellow students captivated, the others? Busy with something else. But Jack isn't looking for praise, he is just sharing something important to him. The teacher says "thank you for sharing your picture Jack". Jack says "welcome!" happily, and sits down to see the next child's sharing, knowing that the next kid has something imporant to them to share as well. Jack goes home feeling just right that day, and gives his picture to his Dad when he gets home to have in his work office, because he knows his Dad liked it.

What is the difference? In the second story, Dad did a really good job of showing interest, telling Jack what he liked, and didn't pass any judgement about the picture. By encouraging Jack's imagination, and just listening, Jack felt heard, and like he has good ideas. Jack's sense of self got to grow a bit, and he didn't get upset when other kids weren't as excited as he was.

Consciously encouraging your kids by showing interest, and encouraging them to tell you about what they've done is a great way to love them!

Creative Discipline

2006-01-18T22:31:00.000-08:00

Creative discipline means that as conscious parents, we coach our children through their challenges, use appropriate, creative solutions to problems and never ever use shaming, blaming, guilt or physical punishments. As conscious parents we want our children to see us as a source of love, comfort, and guidance. This doesn’t mean that our children will always like us, in fact, if your kids always like you, you’re probably doing some strange parenting. What it means is that they know you will be fair, they will turn to you with their problems instead of being sneaky and hiding their problems, and will trust that what you say is what you will do. There are no empty threats of actions never taken.
Here are three great examples of creative discipline at three very different developmental ages.
12 Months:
Sarah Rose, sweet little blue eyed, spunky and fun loving gal that she is, loves her kitty cat Chelsea. It was one of her first words, “kitty!” Sarah also loves to pull Chelsea’s fur as hard as she can. Chelsea, being a very patient and angelic cat, has yet to actually hurt Sarah, though she has run away, swiped at her in the air, and tried to hide. Teaching Sarah to be gentle has been difficult. When she pulls the kitty’s hair, we take her hand and show her how to pet the kitty gently, by taking her hand and petting the cat gently with her. After showing Sarah countless times, finally, Chelsea had had enough. Sarah got a very gentle bite on her hand before anyone could stop her. And since now Sarah is very gentle with Chelsea always, I’m thinking that Chelsea had the right idea on this one. A little scare, no real owie, and the lesson has been learned. We could have yelled at Sarah “no!” and kept her from the cat. We could have put her in time out in her crib. Using our patience time and time again to show her meant that once she had the opportunity to really understand that it hurt Chelsea when she pulled her fur, she knew what to do.
Showing our children that we hurt, we get sad, angry, scared and happy is one of our responsibilities as conscious parents. It’s okay to show our kids our vulnerabilities. After all, they’ll have vulnerabilities as well, and will need to know how to deal with them. Show your child your feelings and tell them what it’s like, what you do to take care of yourself, and what they can do.

3 Years: I was a nanny for twins Ken and Chris when they were three, and the following occurred: Ken and Chris had a very good friend, Sam. Sam was scheduled for a play date one day, and the twins were in their perfect three year old frenzy of excitement expecting their friend. As soon as Sam arrived, they all three dove on the new train table and began building the longest train they could. Unfortunately, all 3 wanted to use the same mechanized engine. That single engine had been shared okay among the twins, but a third person wanting a share was just too hard for the boys to manage. It was too hard. Arguments started and were quelled by Sam’s nanny and myself, but they kept happening. I then realized that it was just asking too much of these 3 year olds to be able to share. So, I picked up the engine, and started talking to it. “Thomas? You are causing too much trouble! There is only one of you, and three little boys who want to play with you. In fact, I want to play with you too! Since you are such a troublesome little toy right now, you’re going to have to spend some time alone, and can come and play later, when things have calmed down.”
I put Thomas in the cupboard we reserve for misbehaving toys, and the boys all went back to their game, using other engines to make trains and having a jolly time indeed. Putting the blame on the toy where it belonged allowed a no-blame no-shame no-guilt solution to the problem. The boys were sorry for the engine to go, but understood that the toy was causing too much trouble! Putting the blame on inanimate problem causing objects is a silly and easy way out of this sort of problem.
Also, before having friends over, or going visiting, make sure your kids have put away any toys they just aren’t willing to share. It’s okay not to share something very special to us, and keep it to ourselves. Help your kids figure out what these items are, and put them in a special place until your guests leave.

9 Years: Max gets angry, like any kid. He slams his bedroom door when he gets angry. While his anger is okay with his parents, the door slamming isn’t. After giving Max some information about why it isn’t okay for him to slam his door “Slamming your door is disrespectful to our ears, the door, and our home, it’s not okay to slam your door. You can do lots of other things when you’re angry” they let him know other ways that it was okay to show his anger. Of course, days later, Max slammed his door again. Max’s parents were upset, and told him so: “Max, it is not okay to slam your door. You must choose other ways of showing your anger. If you slam your door again, we will take your door and put it away for a while, until you decide not to slam it anymore.” Well, you know the next part, Max slammed his door again. Upstairs his parents calmly marched with screwdriver and hammer, and took down his door. “What are you doing?!” Max raged, “You can’t take my door! I need my privacy! How will I change my clothes?!” “Why,” his parents said, “we don’t know! We’re surprised you chose to slam your door again, knowing what would happen.” Max fumed and fussed, and a month later, a discussion was held about doors. Max got his door back, and never again was it slammed. A great, non-blaming solution to a door slamming problem!

Getting creative about your discipline, showing your follow-through, picking things that are immediately applicable to the problem are wonderful ways to be a conscious parent.

The truth about Santa

2005-12-02T09:15:00.000-08:00

I'm greatly enjoying a snowy morning here in Bellevue, Washington, sipping tea and thinking about my childhood. Growing up, I had no doubt that Santa was (and is still) real. I also had no doubt that Santa needed alot of help, since there were so many people in the world who deserved presents. The existence of many different Santas around, in the mall, on the street corner, on TV, cemented my understanding that many many people were helping Santa, and that it was okay - any of these Santas could pass my message along to the real Santa, and the job got done.

My Mom loved to play Santa. Every year we received gifts from her under the Christmas tree as well as from Santa, but just one or two from Santa, and lots from her. I remember accusing her of being santa, and she would never deny it, but she'd have a twinkle in her eye. I was comfortable with this. I think that I thought there might not really be a santa when I was around 8 or 9 years old. But every year, under the tree were presents for all of us (Mom too) from Santa!

A couple of weeks ago, after a post about telling your kids the truth, a reader asked about this topic. She wanted to know the happy medium between telling children that there isn't in fact a Santa (there is, by the way, I've met him) and telling them the fairy tale stories. What do we tell our kids about the Easter Bunny? The Tooth Fairy? I think my Mom had it pegged. The joy she had in playing Santa also covered her delight in sneaking in my room early on sunday morning to put my loaded easter basket on the edge of my bed... her tiptoeing to gently slide a quarter under my pillow for a lost tooth.

I knew she was doing these things, and I knew that she was doing it to help the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa.

While I was never told by her not to believe in these Fairy Tales, I was also never told to. I was permitted to make up my own mind. "What do you think?" Was Mom's classic response to my questions. And I'd tell her. And she's say "hmm. Maybe!" I was perfectly satisfied with this.

So I've always believed in Santa. And three years ago this December, I met him. I tried to talk myself out of it, that it wasn't Santa, because it just wasn't possible that he'd be hanging out in the Costco parking lot in Issaquah, in plain cloths, enjoying a hot dog, and greatly. I was a nanny at the time, for 4 children. We'd been doing a lot of talking about Santa, and I'd held firm that I believed in him, and encouraged the children to think about what they thought, and what they believed. Unloading the bulging cart into my tiny Volkswagen Jetta’s trunk, getting ready to strap the kids in so I could put things on their laps as well, I heard someone walk up to us.

“Hi kids!” an older gentleman said. I turned around, protective of the children. He was white haired, with a nice cropped haircut and a soft beard. His eyes were merry and warm, and the children were delighted. “I’m Santa” he said quite simply, and the children, all 4 quiet for the first time that I’d ever seen when they weren’t sleeping, just nodded their heads, gazing at him. I too, felt the tingles traveling up and down my legs when one experiences something remarkable. He handed something to each of the children, a photo. He was posed there in all his red and white and fluffy glory by a Christmas tree with Mrs. Claus.

As we all stood dazed, he said “Merry Christmas!” and sauntered off to his Ford truck, and I imagined he was very pleased with a job well done. I, with tears in my eyes said “see? I told you he was real.” The children, clutching their photos, climbed into the car, loaves of bread and eggs on their laps, sat quietly all the way home. Once there the chatter resumed, the excitement of meeting Santa held them in great spirits until Mom and Dad got home. “We met Santa today!” they told them, and I nodded, and said “yep, we sure did.”

I drove home that evening and know I saw his sled flying across the sky. Santa is real, and so are his helpers.

Tell your kids the truth!

2005-11-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

From infancy to adulthood, this following post applies. Think back to your childhood and decide what is best for you and your family in reference to this. Do what is the right thing, not the easiest. The rewards will flow.

Telling your children the truth from day one is the first step to creating a lasting bond of love in your family.

Telling the truth to your kids will help them learn to trust you, in the most trying of times.

Telling them what is real is going to help them learn to decifer what is real and what is not in the world as they experience it.

And, the biggest surprise is, they already know what's true and real. So when you tell them otherwise, they learn to distrust you. They learn to ignore their own knowledge and override their intuition. They learn to lie.

Here's a great example, one that most of us will experience at least once with our kids: Injury. When your child is hurt, do you say "shh... Don't cry... It's okay... it's not a big owie... you're allright....?"

Now, tell me, when you're hurt, does it help you when someone tells you not to cry, that it's not a big deal, that you aren't in fact hurt? I doubt it very much, because you're being lied to, being told to ignore your own body, and told not to feel the feeling that comes with injury.

What if, instead, someone said "Ouch! That really hurts, doesn't it? It's okay to cry, that helps, doesn't it. I'm sorry you got hurt, I don't like it when you get hurt. I feel sad when you are hurting. I also felt scared! I feel scared when you get hurt because I love you so much and want you to stay safe."

We can help our children through pain and injury in this way. We don't have to lie, or minimize what they're feeling or experiencing. And I'll tell you, when we acknowledge the injury for what it is, and no more and no less, the pain goes away faster. The frantic scare of the owie goes away faster. We start to heal sooner. And your kids may even want to tell you how it happened, and what they're going to do next time.

Do this, too, when your children are about to experience an owie, say, like getting a vaccination. Tell them that yes, it hurts. That yes, it's important to you, and that you feel it's for their greatest health. Tell them that you're sorry it has to hurt, and that you'll stay with them and help them as much as you can.

Life in this human body of ours is complicated enough without being told to ignore what we know to be true. Support your children, and yourself, by being honest about what is happening, and how you feel. This will create an atmosphere of trust and love, and teach your children emotional intelligence.

Now that's love.

Dealing with time changes and holidays with your children

2005-11-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was out and about running errands and getting tasks done, and everywhere I went I heard and saw sleepy, grumpy, acting out kids! Everywhere! Between the time fall back and halloween, our kids are out of their normal routine by far, and kids love their routines. (Yes, they also love halloween and fun things to do.)

I have known many parents who tried to deal with these issues in many ways. Some who keep their children awake that extra hour at night so they get back on track faster, some who re-arrange their days as much as possible so their kids don't get disrupted in their sleep rhythms.

At the same time, many thoughts are out there about how to manage a day like halloween, when candy and sugar and late bedtimes and excitement abound. Some just let their kids gorge on candy that day only, and then have the candy doled out a piece at a time. Some have the candy under lock and key, and use it as "motivation" to get chores done. Others buy the candy off their kids with activities or actual money.

So what's a concious parent to do? Here are some thoughts and ideas:

Time changes:

1) Try to have your kids stay up a little later than usual and then make your days easy-going, so they have more energy to stay up that little bit of the day. This method is respectful of your kids, and you too. Did you know that there is a huge hike in the percentage of car crashes the day after the time change? "Losing" or "gaining" just that one hour of sleep will do it. So, while your kids are adjusting, also go easy on yourself and let yourself adjust slower too.

2) If you have an infant, you won't be able to do much about stretching out their bedtimes in the previous way, so your best bet is to adjust your schedule if possible. Also, remember that babies' sleep cycles change often as they approach different developmental states and ages anyway, so whatever is happening now will probably be different in a month or so anyway!

3) Since time changes happen on the weekends, prepare ahead with lots of activities to wear your older kids out, so they'll take sleep whenever they can get it! Also, the early darkness helps their bodies think it's bedtime anyway, so that many help as well.

Halloween and holidays:

1) The candy. It's always the candy! Again, I say prepare ahead and let your kids know that while they may get a ton (literally) of candy, they won't be able/allowed to eat it all. This is just a terrible thing for them if you allow them to eat it all. Help them learn how to take proper care of themselves! Especially as this year the two events were at the same time, mixing in a ton of sugar is very hard for the kidlets.

2) Decide with the kids how much candy they'll get to eat/keep and at what rate it can be eaten. My mom had a great idea for this: Haloween night after trick or treating, we sorted all of our candy into "like" and "Icky" piles. The icky piles were immediately tossed, or given to the local food bank. Though calling it food is debateable! Then, we were allowed to eat lots of it right away, while sorting, and that evening. The rest went into safe keeping, and we were given either two small pieces or one large per day. That was it. No negotiating. And anything that lasted until Thanksgiving was tossed.

3) Another family I knew purchased the candy back at 5 cents per small piece and 10 cents per large. By the end, each kid had tripled their week's allowance and got to enjoy their money instead of a months worth of angst trying to wheedle candy out of their parents. This worked well for everyone.

So get creative, and figure out some things with your kids ahead of time (no springing it on them, that's not fair!) and start a new tradition for halloween and time changes!

Finding the right childcare

2005-10-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

Every one of my clients eventually comes to this most important question : What do we need for childcare, and where do we find it? Choosing someone to care for your children is one of the most difficult and challenging things about being a parent. Do you use your workplace daycare? Hire a babysitter? A nanny? Do you nanny share, or have her live in or out?

As a professional nanny for 12 years I worked with a few families long-term (2 or more years). I also worked with countless families as a babysitter, or through an agency as a temporary or just day by day job. I experienced pretty much every type of family there is out there! And every family needed something and someone different as far as a nanny went, excepting a few consistent needs:

She had to be
1) Loving
2) Responsible
3) Fun

Beyond that, the needs were all across the board. I tell you this because so many people are in need of good childcare, or aren't happy with what they have. Here are the steps to finding Great Childcare!

Step One: Figure out what you need as a family. Does having a nanny in the home work better for you? If you have two or more children that need care, it will probably make financial sense. If you have one child and finances are a crunch, you may want to look into a daycare or nanny share situation. I am definately pro in-home care, knowing that the consistensy helps everyone. I also know that that doesn't work for everyone, or that it's too pricey.

Step Two: How much can you afford monthly? This sadly often decides for you what type of care you choose. Make sure to look at all of the options carefully. If cutting out your cable tv and a few dinners out a month will get you the care you really want, I say go for it. It will pay itself off in your peace of mind and your children's happiness. Don't forget to figure in taxes for a household employee, transportation costs, benefits (vacation, medical, etc.). These can add up, so make sure you aren't getting in over your head.

Step Three: Start your search! Tell everyone you know what you're looking for. Ask friends who use daycare what it's like for them, and what they might have done differently. Send out an email asking everyone for resources, or a possible nanny. Or, use an agency. Agencies are very good at what they do: Matching the right nanny with the right family. They may even be able to assist with a nanny share. The only drawback to using an agency is cost. There will be a nanny placement fee that can be pretty hefty (one agency I know charges $1200.00 to place a nanny for a year minimum, and will place another if it doesn't work out within that year). The agency also will walk you through the tax details, make sure you're getting a great nanny, and provide resources to your nanny to help her.

Step Four: The interview. Be very specific in what you want in a nanny or daycare. Don't be afraid to stick to your guns and hold out for what you want and need. Make a list of requirements, here is a short list to start with:

1)Infant and Child First Aid and CPR Certified (by the way, you should be too. Redcross.org for classes.)
2)Safe driving record if the nanny will be driving, and fully insured either by you or herself.
3)Criminal record clear.
3)At least three great references, okay if not all from childcare background.
4)Love and passion for working with families and children!

you'll notice that experience is not on the list. This is important! Experience does not a great nanny make. In fact, a fresh nanny may be more enthusiastic, playful and more full of ideas. On the flip side, an experienced nanny may be called for in a trickier situation: Families with more than two children, need for household managing skills (takes time away from the kids), children with disabilities or learning issues, infants in the home, or your own preference.

Step Five: Time to commit! Well, for a trial anyway. Hire your nanny or choose your daycare with your heart and your head. Watch your children's reactions to them to check their comfort level. Start with a two week trial and then offer a contract. Try to hire for at least a year at a time, for consistency for the children. As much as possible, integrate your childcare into your family. Know that your children are most likely spending most of their waking hours with their nanny or daycare, and that they have a very important place in your child's life. When it's time to end the childcare relationship, be concerned for your kids. Make sure the transition is done gently and slowly, no matter how you personally feel. It is important that your children get the chance to transition from one to the other.

The last family I nannied for did this beautifully. Six months before the youngest children (of four) were to be heading to school, they told me the plan, and that they'd keep me on through September so that the transition was as easy as possible. They told the children too, and told them that I'd still be around and that they could call or see me often after I wasn't their "nana" anymore. They arranged for me to babysit frequently after our time was over, and that helped all of us with the transition. Finally, it allowed me to plan my future, in this case, of starting my business as a Postpartum Doula.

I wish you well on your search for your own "nana", or whatever fits your family best.

Toys for your baby and child

2005-08-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

Shopping for your new baby is so fun! The itsy bitsy clothes, the cutest little shoes, and oh my, the gadgets and toys! So much out there, how do you choose? How do you know what you'll really need, and what your baby will like? With many years of experience, finding toys that kids love is second nature to me. I love toy stores (one of my favorites in Seattle is Top Ten Toys http://www.toptentoys.com/main where young and old can play and play and play!

Here's a list of my very favorite toys:

Infant/Newborn to 3 Months:
1) You
2) You
3) You
That said, You are the best toy your baby can have up to 3 months. They don't have the ability to do much grasping and grabbing of toys yet, most toys are too stimulating and only manage to overwhelm baby, and the real world is plenty stimulating for them! Toys are just not needed this young.

3-6 Months:
1) Tiny rings that are easy to grab, that don't have lots of rings together - just one is perfect.
2) Silk cloths in colors - wonderful toys that will last through childhood!
3) The floor. Yes, I know it's expensive! :). Babies need lots of tummy time (40 minutes a day) and floor time is wonderful for them too. Place a blankie on the floor and let them lay around, playing with your face, getting massage, their rings and silkie cloths... Perfect. Remember, when baby turns her head away, she needs a break. Don't try and get her attention then, or it'll likely send her to overwhelmed land!

6-9 Months:
1) More rings, and more complicated grabby toys. I love the "Smiley" face by Sassy toys. Easy to grab, babies love the face on one side, and theirs on the other!
2) Soft baby dolls and stuffed animals might be fun now.
3) A mirror you can prop on the floor (there's lots of baby safe ones out there). Your face and theirs are fascinating!

9-12 months:
1) Musical sounds are very fun and exciting now. I love easy to use music boxes with pleasant rather than bright sounds. Bells are super fun!
2) Balls are great for learning to crawl, and crawling after. I like the ones that are soft and maleable, so they can be grabbed by little hands.
3) Outings! The zoo, park, water play... It's discovery time and going outdoors is a great way to discover!

Remember that play is only fun if you're both enjoying yourselves. Try to find toys you both find fascinating, fun and pleasant to have around. That loudly beeping play cell phone might grab baby's attention, but if you want to smash it after a few days, it's not much good to anyone! Also, as you see from my "minimalist" list above, having fun toys need not be expensive, or fill your home. Babies up to 1 year are very happy just hanging out at home, going for walks, playing with the same toys over and over. It may be you that's bored with the same old toys, try to keep that in mind.

Keep toys that baby tires of or stops playing with, and set it aside for a few months. Then, get it out and leave it for baby to discover. He'll remember the toy, and will spend a few days playing with it masterfully, and enjoying his expertise. What a wonderfully gratifying thing! Mastering toys is something they work very hard at, and it's fun for them to get to revisit that mastery and feel proud of themselves.

Get creative with toys, too! Toys are found in many places, especially in the home. I knew one baby that just loved washcloths. Sucking on them wet, playing with them dry... She always had one handy. Who knows why it was such a great toy for her, and who are we to ask! As long as it's safe and choke-proof, it's a great toy if baby says so!

You time, like Oprah said

2005-08-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

Getting time for yourself is very difficult when you're a parent. This I know! However, it is vitally important that you give to yourself if you want to give of yourself to others. Imagine a glass, to make the simplest analogy. When the glass is full to brimming, you're energetic, feeling good and happy and generous. The glass gets emptier not as you give, but as you have needs for yourself that aren't met. Maybe you lose sleep, don't get enough food, don't exercise, don't get enough social time, miss out on contact with a confidant, miss spending time with your partner, don't get enough alone time... whatever "fills up your glass".

As your glass empties, you feel tired, get headaches, are snappy and impatient with things that if your glass were full, you'd be fine with. I understand that when you become a parent your priorities shift drastically. Sleeping in is a thing of the past, lazy saturdays with your partner just don't exist anymore. Your time is consumed by caring for your kids.

Consider though, that in order for you to best care for your children, you need to care for yourself too! To be the best parent you can be, you must must must take care of yourself.

My girlfriend Mariah was a stay at home mom to her two wonderful children, who were two and three years old. She was having a very hard time, feeling lonely, isolated, and unsupported by her husband. I asked her about what she did for herself. "Nothing" she replied. We talked for a while about her circumstances, with very low family income she was unable to hire help, and had few friends that lived close enough to pitch in. When she'd try to do anything while the kids seemed occupied, they'd seem to suddenly know her attention wasn't on them, and they'd seek her out.

"Time to read, just for 5 minutes. Time to clip my toenails. Time to shower". These things she wanted seemed more like necessities than luxuries to me! Poor gal. Hearing her sadness and desperation, I encouraged her to get the kids on the same nap schedule, which was making it so she always had one child awake at a time during the day. Then, while they were napping, she was more easily able to do chores, and relax a bit as well. While they were awake, she taught them that mommy sometimes needs a "time out" and would make sure they were fine and happy with toys or a video, then take a 5 minute breather, catching a second (or tenth) wind. She also started having bedtime be a half hour earlier, which the kids thrived on, and gave her a little more rest time as well.

Three tiny changes changed her life. She became the mom she really wanted to be. Energetic, patient, fun and loving. Her glass is full.

So whether you have the means to hire someone, have a friend you can swap childcare with, or get creative to find time for you, you just have to do it. Your family will be blessed because you did.

You Can't do Everything!

2005-07-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

As I work with families, I am amazed at the variety of ways there are to be a family. Through the years I have seen just about every type, shape and figure a family can come in. I've seen them rich, poor, big and small, happy and sad, living easy lives and hard ones too. I am not one to make judgement on a family, I know that we all do what works for us. However, if there were one piece of advice I'd dispense, knowing for sure that it's the right thing for everyone, it would be this:

You can't do everything, so prioritize family time.

I'm pretty sure you've thought that too. I know that time with your family is something no one else can give you. I know that time with your kids is irreplaceable, even a lazy day at home. I know from experience that it's not the big vacations you'll look fondly back at, but the sweet, every day rhythm of life. We get caught up in the doing of things, the going, seeing, getting and buying. The accomplishing, the competing, the winning.

I know that when the children are no longer in your hands, you'll think back and remember the tucking into bed, the millionth time reading the same book, the singing, the laughing, the games. These are the things that will last.

One of my very favorite memories was one summer day when I was working as a nanny. The children (there were 4: 2 year old twin boys and their 8 and 11 year old big sisters) were restless and ancy. The house needed chores to be done, there was a mountain of laundry, we needed to go to costco and the regular grocery store, and none of us wanted to do it! So, in the best interest of all our happiness, we created together a wonderful day. We hit the grocery store getting the necessities, then rushed home, and worked together to put the groceries away. Since it was a very hot day (yes, it gets hot in Seattle!) we decided to create a "virtual beach" in the front yard.

We pulled every single toy we had that related to beaches, water, and sand, and piled them in the front yard. We filled the plastic pool, got the sprinkler set up, and everyone in their suits and lathered up with sunscreen. We brought out cool drinks and snacks, books to read, and had the most luxurious wonderful day I can remember.

I know that that day sits in my memory, because we chose to prioritize life. Not the doing, accomplishing and competing; but the fun, the love, the creativity that life with children is.

I hope tomorrow you'll try the same, and experience the joy of a lazy day with children, knowing that the floor can be swept later, the laundry will wait, and that life won't.

Why is my 3 month old crying inconsolably?

2005-07-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

This is a question recently posed to me by one of my clients. Her baby is happy and fine during the day, and in the evening hours before bed cries for 1-2 hours until finally going to sleep for the night. She told me that recently there was a long discussion board topic on this at a site she visits. Apparently there are alot of tearful 3 month olds out there! So I did some research this weekend, and perused my memory to remember previous 3 month olds I've worked with that did the same thing.

The thing that stands out in my mind is that these babies are really just fine, and the crying isn't colicky crying. So why are they crying?

Turning 3 months old is alot different than when they were 2 months old - alot different. They're much more aware, more physically able and active. One theory is that they are overstimulated by the end of the day, and the crying is releasing stress. Tears that are from stress have a different chemical makeup than other tears! They really are releasing the stress horomones. "Having a good cry" really is a good thing!

If your baby is crying and crying, and you've done everything that usually works to soothe:
1)All her physical needs are met; she's not hungry, wet, gassy, there aren't any small threads wrapped around her tiny fingers or toes, etc.
2)It doesn't seem to be a painful cry, which you might associate with illness or colick
Then I would allow that she is indeed okay, and letting off steam!

What can you do?

-Make sure to spend lots of good contact time with baby during the day. Take a nap together, have skin to skin contact, or wear baby in a sling or other carrier while doing chores or errands.

-Try not to do too much during the day. Keep outings short and sweet, if possible. I know that with older children in the home this can be impossible. If baby is in day care, make sure that she's getting enough touch time, and isn't spending her day in a crib. That would make anyone tearful!

-Make sure day naps go well, get some sleep coaching if they're not. Babies who sleep well during the day usually sleep well at night.

-Explore your diet to see if there might be something you're eating that may be aggravating your baby's system.

-Maintain your cool. This crying is not about you, your parenting, or something you've done wrong. Baby needs to cry to feel better and be relaxed enough to sleep. Soon, he'll learn easier on the stress horomones ways to soothe himself - sucking on his fist, listening to your sweet mama voice, or watching lights and colors. Get support if you need it! Ask friends who've offered to help if they would come hang out with you during these tearful hours. Ask if the can hold the baby, or get yourself out of the house. It's okay to take a walk with a crying baby in the neighborhood.

This is temporary. It's a phase. It will stop. These are great words to repeat to yourself. When baby finally does sleep, make sure to take a long sweet drink of their peaceful face so you'll remember this sweetness the best.

Attachment Parenting and other styles

2005-07-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

I met with a wonderful couple the other day, who are going to be new parents in just days. They had a very common concern, one that all who want to be great parents have. What is the best way to parent our new baby? "Should we do like my mom said?" asked Angie. "Or should we follow the book our friend gave us?" asked John. They were clear on a few things they definately didn't want to do, like allow the baby to cry to sleep (Ferberizing) which I was very glad to hear.

Aside... When you ignore your baby's cries you are telling baby that you aren't going to help him. He in turn will eventually fall asleep, but with shock and trauma. He'll also learn not to cry for you, or in desperation for attention and the help he needs, cry even more, and throughout the day, not just at sleep times.

Angie and John though, were still confused. One book told them to pick up the baby whenever she cried, and another told them to let them cry in increasing increments until she slept. Angie's mom told her that holding the baby all the time would spoil her. John's mom said the opposite. Indeed, what to do?!

I spoke with them at length about their wishes, dreams and desires; for what will make them feel good about their parenting, how they wish they'd been treated as a baby and child, and the importance of helping your child learn the skills they'll need for a lifetime. In the end, the conclusion was made. They'll do what's right in the moment. Following their intuition, doing what is best, not what's easy. They're going to create their own family culture, their own traditions.

What brave, wonderful parents they will be.

Defining your family as unique: Family traditions and holidays

2005-07-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July! Growing up, I loved holidays, and still do. To me, every holiday has its own traditions and events that just have to occur or it just doesn’t feel right. My Mom did a great job of incorporating fun and meaningful traditions into our holidays that made them feel special, without extravagant costs or time commitments. My favorites:

4th of July requires fireworks! We never did our own consistently, but living on Queen Anne Hill in Seattle, we had a wonderful view of the free shows in Puget Sound. We’d often invite friends and family for a shared meal (kabobs made by everyone and then bbq’d were so much fun!), and then visiting, and then would walk to see the fireworks. It was always a fun night, even when it rained!

Halloween in our home meant home-made costumes, with creative accessories and make-up. We’d use our own pillowcases for candy (holds a ton!). Mom would generally give out raisins to the trick or treaters, which I found sadly healthy, but it was tradition. We’d trick or treat walking from door to door with friends in the neighborhood, and have a great time! To this day I believe that while you’re trick or treating, you should eat all the candy you want, then have two pieces a day until it’s gone. Great candy boundaries!

Thanksgiving always meant family. Through the years, we’ve adopted new aunts and uncles, and others, and that has made our family what it is. I believe that you may be born into a family, but it’s up to you to add to it! To this day, I’m taking on new sisters, nieces and nephews, and aunts, to make my own family just right. Celebrating the wealth of food we enjoy, the great cooking of everyone who lends a hand, and seeing everyone’s favorite dish on the table is a yearly joy to look forward to.

Christmas has two parts in our family: Christmas Eve is for a fun friends and family potluck and gift exchange. I love giving gifts and enjoy looking for them throughout the year. It reduces the stress right before the holidays if most of your gifts were bought throughout the year! Christmas Morning is for the nuclear family, stockings, gifts for the family pets to open, breakfast with popovers required! Then gifts that get opened in turn, from youngest to oldest. These days, this takes until the afternoon! Then, a Christmas afternoon walk and a dinner of leftovers from the Christmas Eve gathering makes for a wonderful and sweet, quiet Christmas.

Easter is for brunch, egg hunting and Easter baskets! Even as adults, we still enjoy our Easter gifts and chocolates! We’ve started a new tradition for the new generation of hiding plastic eggs filled with stickers, small toys and jelly beans. Re-using the plastic eggs from year to year and filling them with mostly non-edibles works great for our family values.

Whatever you do with your family at the holidays, make sure it fits for you and your family. Don’t be afraid to try something new, or consider asking your family to do something differently. If you’re just starting your family, what a great blank slate you have! Enjoy creating your own family traditions!

The Importance of Swaddling

2005-06-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

Swaddling has undergone a lot of recent praise, and more and more doctors and childcare experts are encouraging new parents to swaddle their infants. I’m all for it! Swaddling is a wonderful way to help your baby sleep better, and for the more anxious baby to learn to assimilate sounds more easily and with less stress.

First, some questions and answers about swaddling:

Q: Will swaddling my baby impair her development in any way?
A: Nope! Swaddling is safe and effective, and very comforting to most babies. In many parts of the world, babies are kept swaddled for almost 100% of their first 6 months to one year, and longer. These babies have the same developmental abilities as non-swaddled babies.

Q: How much of the day should my baby be swaddled?
A: As much as you feel like your baby needs/wants. I love to encourage some tummy time after baby is a few weeks old, but if he’s happy in his swaddle, its okay!

Q: At what age should we stop swaddling?
A: Baby will tell you! When baby starts getting out of her swaddle in the night and not waking up, or getting herself back to sleep, she’s done with the swaddle. She may still like it for falling asleep, but there’s no reason to get up in the night to re-swaddle.

Q: My baby has started rolling over in the night and sleeping on her tummy. Is this okay, and should I still swaddle her?
A: Once your baby can consistently turn herself over, it’s fine to let her sleep on her tummy. Swaddling is up to you. I’d try it both ways, and see what works best.

Q: How tight should the swaddle be? I do it very tight, my husband does it very loose, in concern for her being able to breathe.
A: I swaddle very tightly. I wish I had a way to put a diagram, but here’s a description of how I swaddle.
First, choose a blanket that is larger than a receiving blanket, and preferably one that stretches somewhat. The thinner the better for this purpose. Put the blanket on the floor in a diamond shape. Take the top point of the diamond and fold it down just a bit, about 6 inches. This is where baby’s head will be above, and her shoulders lined up along the top edge of the blanket. Choosing one arm, take the point of the blanket on that side. Take the blanket and wrap it around baby’s arm, so that the forearm and hand are wrapped inside the blanket. Take that arm and pull it and the blanket across her chest. Tuck very tightly and firmly under her back on the other side. Then, take the point of the blanket at the feet and put up over the blanket fold you just made. Then, take the last point, wrap her arm and hand again, and pull firmly and tuck under her back. Voila! A baby burrito! Baby may fuss a little while getting swaddled, but if all goes well, she’ll quiet down very quickly. Practicing this on a baby doll may be a good idea, or even a pillow, so baby doesn’t get irritated with repeated attempts. I’m not a big fan of store bought pre-shaped swaddling blankets with Velcro, etc, as they just don’t fit every baby, and usually aren’t tight enough.

A client of mine, Mary, brought her baby home after a successful and relatively easy birth. After a few sleepy days, baby Jill got very fussy, easily upset, and startled constantly, leaving everyone anxious and over stimulated and tired! After showing them a good tight swaddle, I talked with them about how to help Jill learn to assimilate her new environment more easily. Swaddling was the first key. The second was to talk to her as she heard new sounds, naming them and letting her know what they meant. It may seem strange to talk like this with and infant, but it helps baby immensely. It sounds something like this:
“Oh, you hear the phone ring. Yes, that’s the phone. It rings a lot. People are calling to find out about you! The phone is okay; it’s safe and won’t hurt you. You’re okay.” While talking, keep you voice calm and steady, and your face and body as well. Jane is looking to you to show her how to respond to things in her life. By giving her information in these many ways, she will quickly learn to do so for herself, by recognizing sounds and she’ll soothe herself more easily. If you’re startled too, for instance by a car backfiring, acknowledge that as well. “Oh! That startled me! That was a car backfiring. It was loud and hurt my ears. It’s okay though, we’re safe.” Follow with a sigh and relaxing of the body.

By doing this, Baby Jill learned by her family’s example how to more easily assimilate sounds. She’s much more peaceful and at ease now.

Swaddling also helped Baby Jill startle less in her sleep. She would startle strongly, her arms thrusting out in front of her and she’d wake abruptly and cry. In her swaddle, she’d startle, but her arms would be kept close to her, so she wouldn’t fully wake, if at all.

Swaddling is a wonderful tool. I hope it helps you and your new baby!

Involving your children in your day

2005-06-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed that your kids tend to have difficult leave-takings (saying goodbyes)? Do they throw tantrums when it's time to leave the park, go to school, leave a friend's house, run errands?

I believe that the main causes of this are two things.

1)They aren't given proper warning before it's time to leave places. A great example of how to do this:

Parent: "Anne, we get to play at the park for 10 more minutes. What would you like to do before we go?"
then...
"Anne, we're going in 5 minutes. Have you done everything you wanted to do at the park?"
then...
"Anne, we're off in two minutes to get our grocery shopping done and then go home. Time to say goodbyes to the park and gather our things."
then...
"Bye bye park! thanks for the fun!"

Using this method, your child may still express sadness at leaving, or frustration at wanting to play longer, but rarely will they tantrum.

2)They don't know how the day will go. Kids want to be involved in the day's plan. They want to have some impact on it, and have some predictability in their day.

Every night before bedtime I suggest verbally laying out the following day for them. This would be something like:

Parent: "Anne, tomorrow is a school day. We'll get ready for school and head out the door early in the morning for school. What would you like in your lunchbox?

Allow Anne to have input.

Parent: "After I pick you up from school, we're going to have some free time. What would you like to do? Go to the park, the library, or play at home?"

Allow Anne to input.

Parent: "If it's raining, the library or at home play will need to be chosen instead of the park, huh."

Anne will most likely agree, or you can set a healthy limit, or plan to bring rain gear and see what the park is like in the rain!

Parent: "After play time, we'll need to stop at the grocery store to get dinner. What would you like for dinner, broccoli or green beans?"

Allowing Anne a choice between two things you approve of is a great idea! (She may say "neither" then you can ask if she wants to choose or if you should).

Parent: "After the store we're heading home and I'll make dinner while you do your homework (or chores, whichever she needs to do.), and after dinner it's time for bath and then bed."

Anne has received an overview of her day, allowing her input on things that are optional, and thus respecting her and her preferences, ideas, wishes and dreams.

I would suggest reviewing the plan on waking, and at each transition point between changing environments. This doesn't have to be a full overview, just a little reminder of what's coming next:

Parent: "I'll see you after school, and we'll go to the park!"

I find that children have much more joy in their days when they know what to expect, have input in their lives, and have opportunities to influence their parents. When possible, I love to give kids the "run of the day". They get to choose what to do, when to do it, and how. What fun, and great learning for them! Of course, the parents are in charge, but by giving your child the reins for the day they get to have a wonderful experience, and pride in choosing a great day for the family.

How do I get my kids to behave in a restaurant?

2005-06-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

This is such a common question asked of me by parents. Usually, by parents of toddlers (ages 1-3 ish). My question in return is usually "Why do they need to behave in restaurants?"

Toddlers have a very short attention span. They love novelty, activity, explanations about the things they see. They want to touch and see everything that catches their interest, then move on. I'd say that whole process takes about 2 minutes. Toddlers like food that is easy for them to eat, that is tasty to them, and not much of it most days. I'm always amazed at the tiny amount of food toddlers can survive on! There are days they might eat two bites of toast, and the next eat two hot dogs plus three meals. You just never know.

In contrast, sitting down to a restaurant meal entails, well, sitting. Have you noticed your toddler hates to sit still? Also, they're being asked to be quiet. Have you noticed your toddler being voluntarily quiet much, except when sleeping? Add to this toddler-unfriendly expectation new food, new surroundings they aren't allowed to explore, new people they can't talk with, or who are scary... Why do you think that should be something your toddler should enjoy? Developmentally, it's just bad timing.

I went out to thai food just last night. Two booths away from myself and my mom was a family of 4, mom, dad, a two year old in a high chair and an infant. As we were seated, the toddler was and apparently, been enjoying his right to say "no" and doing so loudly. He was screaming every few seconds in response to what mom and dad were telling him to do. As I glanced over, I saw dad put his hand over the toddler's mouth to shush him and told him that if he yelled, he'd get his book taken away and he wouldn't be able to watch "blues clues". Ouch. In light of what I wrote above, can you see the issues at hand?

1)Toddler was done sitting, so was agitated and not having any fun.
2)Toddler was expressing himself, only to be shushed.
3)He was being told to eat food he didn't want - he said "no" clearly, and they still tried to make him eat it. This is such a bad idea, parents!
4)Dad was using threats to try and make him behave. Threats are the most useless, non-respectful thing you can do as a parent. Please, if you say you're going to do something, you'd better be willing to follow through and do it! Your child needs you to be predictable. Also, that method of parenting doesn't generally get any results at all out of toddlers besides defiance.

When going out to meals with toddlers, choose noisy places where food is fast, yummy and toddler accessible. Getting up and running around should be an option. Even better? Get take-out and have a picnic. When your toddler (more likely, 4 year old and older) requests going out to a restaurant, that is when it's developmentally appropriate to start teaching restaurant behavior. Even better, start at home where you can make meals more like a restuarant setting (play make-believe) and they can practice. Don't expect them to learn in one experience! Repetition is the key to successful learning.

No means no, or don't say it!

2005-06-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

A client of mine, Jane, uses the word "no" more than any other word in her vocabulary, she thinks. It just jumps out of her mouth before she even thinks about what the answer might actually be. A nasty habit she's trying hard to break.
The main problem with this is that when we say "no", I believe it should be a firm "no", non-negotiable. When we as parents say "no" and then, no matter how it happens, end up saying "yes" instead, we become unbelievable to our children. We're teaching them that we're not trustworthy, and we don't mean what we say. Ouch. That is not the message any parent wants to deliver.

A great example of this is a parent and child grocery shopping. The child, Ben, says "Mom, I want a cookie." Mom says "No, Ben. We're heading home for dinner soon." Ben says, much louder, "But I want a cookie!" Mom says, "Ben, you can't yell inside the store. I said no cookie." Ben yells, "I WANT A COOKIE!" Mom, embarrased at her yelling child, says "Okay! Just be quiet!"

1)What did Mom do? Gave a firm no, then with a second request, repeats no, but this time with extra information about something else Ben can't have, then when Ben escalates to a full yell, she gives in and says yes.

2)What has Ben learned? Getting a cookie is a three step process.

If not having a cookie before dinner is something you're clear about, then try this instead: Ben says "Mom, I want a cookie." Mom says "Me too! How about having a cookie after dinner?" Ben says "But I want a cookie now!" Mom says "I hear that. I want one now too. And our choice is to have one after dinner." Ben yells "I WANT A COOKIE NOW!" Mom says "Ben, yelling in the store is not okay. It's unpleasant for me, as well as the other people shopping. I said we could have cookies after dinner. If you continue to yell, we'll have to leave the store, and then we won't have the ingredients to make cookies."

1)What did Mom do? She responded to Ben's request with a "yes...and" statement instead of a sharp "no" statement. Why say no to the request when it's reasonable? Let them know when exactly it can happen. Most kids get so excited at hearing the yes, they won't escalate like Ben did the second time.
I wanted to show how you could handle the classic grocery store escalation, though. Mom stayed calm, and explained to Ben the two natural consequences to his yelling. 1. Other people were not enjoying him, which is hard for a child. They want to be enjoyed and given positive attention. 2. Leaving the store, with no cookie makings. Did Ben need more structure than this? Did he need to be Disciplined? I don't think so. I think he got two very clear, very unpleasant consequences from his behaviour already. I'd be more excited about talking to him about how we negotiate, and how to know when i'm using a firm statement and when I'm willing to consider doing it his way, or finding a compromise.
2) What did Ben learn? Ben learned that Mom is going to follow through with what she says. If she says they'll have to leave the store, and he keeps yelling, she'd better leave the store. If she says they won't have cookies because he yelled, he'd better not get a cookie.

Following through with your words, and using words other than "no" when possible helps children to learn to trust you, your words, and to learn about how the world around them works. Saving the word "no" will give it alot more meaning and value when you do use it. What a valuable lesson.

Welcome to Conscious Parenting

2005-06-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hi and welcome to Conscious Parenting. I am Schyler Mason, Professional Postpartum Doula and Certified Gottman Educator.

Conscious Parenting is what I teach both through my practice as a Doula as well as through Dr. John gottman's teachings, of raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child. Conscious Parenting is a method of parenting that promotes awareness and acknowledgement of your own children's unique individuality. Conscious Parenting helps you as a parent to have healthy attachment with your child while providing them with structured, loving and healthy boundaries. What I hope to provide in this forum is an alternative to being reliant on just one form of parenting, on following one "expert's" advice, and instead providing you with information, evidence and anecdotes that will allow you to create your own perfect parenting method, custom fit for you and your family.
I look forward to sharing problem solving ideas, new ways of healthy communication with your children and partner, and tips for more ease in your day to day parenting.
In 14 years of professional childcare I have experienced every type of family out there. Each family creates a unique culture unto themselves, that fits for them and only them. There is an infinite number of ways to parent, and to be a family. Knowing this, I encourage you to take what information applies to you and your beliefs and values, and discard the rest. Indeed, I hope you do this with everything in your life. As we honor our individuality, we learn more to honor our children's.
I invite you to contact me through my website, www.seattlebabies.com, and to comment here.